Living From the Heart

What are you doing for yourself?

BIG QUESTION, RIGHT? 

WHAT ARE YOU DOING FOR YOUR SELF? AS OPPOSED TO WHAT ARE YOU DOING FOR OTHER PEOPLE? 

LOOKING BACK ON MY FOOTBALL CAREER I HAVE REALIZED THAT I WAS DOING IT FOR EVERYONE BUT MYSELF. 

What do I mean by this?

WHEN I WAS ABOUT 9 OR 10 YEARS OLD THE SEED OF PLAYING IN THE NFL WAS PLANTED IN MY PSYCHE. I REMEMBER THAT HOT SUMMER DAY AT MY GRANDPARENT’S HOME IN CONNECTICUT. WE WERE WATCHING THE MORNING NEWS AND UP CAME A CLIP OF THE JETS AND GIANTS IN TRAINING CAMP PRACTICES. I REMEMBER THINKING TO MYSELF,

“One day I want to be a warrior, like that.” 

AT THAT AGE I WAS IN THE MIDST OF MY PARENT’S DIVORCE. THE WORLD WAS A VERY DARK AND SCARY PLACE. MY MOTHER AND FATHER WERE IN THE MIDST OF THEIR OWN EVOLUTION AS HUMAN BEINGS, GOING THROUGH WHAT I CAN ONLY IMAGINE TO BE AN EXTREMELY PAINFUL TIME. THE WHOLE ORDEAL WAS UTTERLY GUT WRENCHING FOR MY BROTHER AND I. 

I PERSONALLY FELT MY PARENT’S DIVORCE DEEP IN MY BONES AS A LITTLE BOY. I WAS ANGRY. I WAS HEARTBROKEN. MY WORLD (WHICH HAD BEEN FILLED WITH WHAT I REMEMBER AS LOVE AND LIGHT PRIOR) WAS SMASHED TO SMITHEREENS. ONLY SPARKLING SHARDS OF HOPE REMAINED IN THE RUBBLE OF MY BULLDOZED FAMILY. AND FOOTBALL SEEMED TO ME A WAY OUT. 

FOOTBALL WAS THE VEHICLE I NEEDED TO SHOW THE WORLD HOW POWERFUL I WAS. THE VEHICLE TO SHOW THE WORLD HOW MONSTROUS AND SCARY AND VICIOUS I WAS. BECAUSE THAT WAS HOW I UNDERSTOOD I COULD RECTIFY THE SITUATION. I WANTED THE WORLD TO FEAR ME. I WANTED THE WORLD TO RESPECT ME AND HOLD ME IN HIGH REGARD BECAUSE IF I COULD ACHIEVE THAT THEN I WOULD HAVE ESCAPED THE PAIN AND TRAUMA OF MY CHILDHOOD. 

THE ONLY PROBLEM WAS THAT MY MOTHER WOULD NEVER LET ME PLAY FOOTBALL. SHE ALWAYS THOUGHT I WOULD GET HURT. FINALLY, GOING INTO MY FRESHMAN YEAR OF HIGH SCHOOL I CONVINCED MY MOM (WITH THE HELP OF MY FATHER) TO LET ME PLAY ON THE GRIDIRON. 

FROM THE MOMENT I STEPPED ON A FOOTBALL FIELD (ALTHOUGH, MIND YOU, IT WASN’T ALWAYS PRETTY AS EARLY ON I WAS PHYSICALLY AWKWARD WITH INCREDIBLE GROWTH SPURTS) I WAS TOLD THAT IF I WORKED HARD ENOUGH I WOULD WITHOUT A DOUBT REALIZE MY VISION OF PLAYING IN THE NFL ONE DAY. 

I TOOK THIS VISION AND GOAL UPON MYSELF, AND WITH THE HELP OF TREMENDOUS PEOPLE AROUND ME; MY PARENTS, MY COACHES, TEACHERS, TRAINERS, MENTORS, ETC., I SET UPON ACHIEVING IT. BOLSTERED BY MANY HELPFUL SOULS, THE WORK WAS MY OWN. I HAD THE VISION IN MY MIND’S EYE OF ACHIEVING THIS DREAM OF PLAYING IN THE NFL AND I COMBINED IT WITH TENACIOUS WORK ETHIC, DISCIPLINE AND DETERMINATION. 

EVERYTHING I DID, FROM THE TIME I WAS A FRESHMAN IN HIGHSCHOOL TO THE DAY I WAS DRAFTED BY THE JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS IN THE SECOND ROUND OF THE 2009 NFL DRAFT, WAS IN SEARCH OF REALIZING THIS DREAM. HOW I ATE, HOW I CARRIED MYSELF, HOW I TRAINED (HOURS IN THE GYM, HOURS ON THE FIELD, HOURS IN THE FILM ROOM), ALL THE EXTRACURRICULARS (ELITE LEVEL TRAINING WITH STRENGTH AND CONDITIONING COACHES, YOGA, OFF SEASON CAMPS AND MORE) WAS ALL DRIVEN TOWARDS PLAYING ON SUNDAYS. 

I WAS VICIOUS ON THE FIELD. AND FOR THIS REASON I LOVED THE GAME OF FOOTBALL: I WAS PRAISED AND CELEBRATED FOR HOW MUCH VIOLENCE I COULD EXACT ON OTHER PEOPLE. THE MORE I DEVOURED AND DISMANTLED MY OPPONENTS THE MORE I WAS RESPECTED AS A DOMINANT ATHLETE. I RELISHED THE LOVE. I LIVED TO BE IN EXALTATION. TO BE OF AN “ELITE CLASS OF HUMAN” ENTHRALLED ME. I DID SOMETHING THAT MATTERED TO PEOPLE. AND IT WAS REFLECTED IN HOW I WAS TREATED BY THE WORLD AROUND ME. 

THEN, I WAS THERE--IN THE NFL. STARTING RIGHT TACKLE FOR THE JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS. ALL THE MONEY I COULD HAVE DREAMED OF. GETTING PAID DOING WHAT I THOUGHT WAS MY LIFE’S PASSION. ACCESS TO ALL THE MATERIAL POSSESSIONS I COULD POSSIBLY IMAGINE. THE HOUSE. THE CARS. THE STUFF. ALONG WITH THE INTANGIBLE JEWELS, PRIMARILY THE RECOGNITION. I HAD THE BEGINNINGS OF A BEAUTIFUL FAMILY, MY WIFE, MY NEWBORN DAUGHTER. AND YET I WAS THE MOST MISERABLE I HAD EVER BEEN IN MY ENTIRE LIFE. 

WITH ALL THAT SUCCESS I HAD THERE WAS STILL A MASSIVE HOLE IN MY SOUL. THE PROBLEM WAS THAT NO MATTER HOW MUCH I ACHIEVED ON MY WAY TO CONQUERING THIS MOUNTAIN OF DESTINY I WAS STILL NOT ENOUGH FOR MYSELF. I WAS STILL DENYING MYSELF VERY BASIC NEEDS FOR HAPPINESS. I WAS IN A CONSTANT STATE OF DENIAL AND SUPPRESSION. TURNING AWAY FROM MY HEART’S DESPERATE CRIES FOR ACKNOWLEDGEMENT, “BUT THIS IS MY DESTINY!” I EXCLAIMED TO THE UNIVERSE AND MY HEART. 

“IS IT REALLY?” THE UNIVERSE WHISPERED BACK, COUPLED WITH “NO,” MY HEART LETTING FLY OUT THE TRUE ANSWER. 

IN THE PROCESS OF CHASING THIS DESIRE TO BE FEARED AND RESPECTED ON THE FOOTBALL FIELD, AND TO SHOW THE WORLD HOW BIG AND TOUGH AND BADASS I WAS I HAD COMPLETELY LOST SIGHT OF WHO I WAS UNDERNEATH THE HELMET AND THE PADS AND THE MUSCLE AND THIS IDENTITY OF BEING A WARRIOR. 

I LOST TOUCH WITH MY SENSES. I LOST TOUCH WITH MY HEART. I LOST TOUCH WITH MY HUMANITY. AND WHEN IT ALL CAME CRASHING DOWN NONE OF IT WAS FOR ME. OF COURSE I LOVED ASPECTS OF IT. BUT TO COMMIT MYSELF TO A LIFE OF CONTROLLED VIOLENCE AND CONSTANT PAIN I HAD TO OVERRIDE EVERYTHING MY MIND, BODY AND SPIRIT WERE TELLING ME DAILY. 

THE SUBTLE INSTANCES ANY ATHLETE EXPERIENCES OF DENYING THEMSELVES IS WHEN SOME PART OF THE BODY IS IN PAIN AND YOU TAKE THE PILLS, TAPE IT UP AND GET OUT ON THE FIELD ANYWAY. YOU OVERRIDE THE PHYSICAL PAIN. BUT THEN THIS BEHAVIOR PATTERN BEGINS TO GAIN MOMENTUM. SO YOU THEN BEGIN TO OVERRIDE OTHER SIGNALS FROM YOUR INNER SELF THAT TAKE YOU THIS WAY AND THAT. BEFORE YOU KNOW IT YOU HAVE BECOME A SLAVE TO YOUR IDENTITY. AND YOUR IDENTITY (WHAT I DEEM THE EGO) CRAVES MORE AND MORE BECAUSE IT GIVES VALIDATION TO THE IDENTITY THE MORE YOU ACT AND RESPOND IN ACCORDANCE WITH IT RATHER THAN YOUR OWN HEART’S NEEDS. 

WE ALL EXPERIENCE THIS IN ONE FORM OR ANOTHER. IT BECOMES A VICIOUS CYCLE TO FEED THE BEAST. RATHER THAN TO LIVE LIFE BASED ON YOUR HEART’S PATH. BECAUSE WE HAVE ALL BEEN CONDITIONED TO SOME EXTENT TO DENY OUR WILL. THAT VOICE INSIDE YOU THAT COMPELS YOU IN VERY SPECIFIC DIRECTIONS THROUGH LIFE. TO THE POINT THAT YOUR WILL BECOMES COMPLETELY CONFUSED AND DISTORTED. BECAUSE YOU HAVE SPENT YOUR ENTIRE LIFE DENYING IT AND ACTING OUT OF ACCORDANCE WITH THE EXPECTATIONS AND STRUCTURES OF EXTERNAL FORCES (BE THEY SOCIETY ITSELF OR OTHER PEOPLE PUSHING AND PULLING YOU THIS WAY AND THAT, AWAY FROM YOUR TRUTH). 

SO, HOW CAN WE BEGIN TO RESTORE THIS? 

MY OWN JOURNEY HAS BEEN LONG, HARD AND PAINFUL TO RESTORE THE RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN ME, MY HEART AND MY WILL. AND IT SHOULD BE RECOGNIZED AS ONGOING. 

IT STARTS WITH ACKNOWLEDGEMENT OF WHERE YOU ARE AT RIGHT NOW. HOW DO YOU FEEL? WHAT CONFLICTS DO YOU SENSE IN YOURSELF? AND JUST LET IT ALL BE THERE. ACCEPT THIS PLACE. ACCEPT YOURSELF! ACCEPT WHERE YOU HAVE FOUND YOURSELF. YOU MIGHT FEEL REALLY SHITTY. YOU MIGHT WANT TO BURST INTO TEARS. DO IT! SET YOURSELF FREE. NO MATTER WHERE YOU ARE OR WHAT YOU ARE EXPERIENCING I AM HERE TO TELL YOU THAT IT IS OK. IT IS ALL MEANT TO BE. EVERYTHING YOU HAVE EVER BEEN THROUGH, NO MATTER HOW MUCH YOU HAVE DENIED YOURSELF OR FELT AS THOUGH YOU WEREN’T DOING ENOUGH YOU ARE EXACTLY WHERE YOU NEED TO BE IN THIS MOMENT. YOU ARE ALLOWED TO LET IT ALL GO AND BE IN THE PRESENT MOMENT, NO MATTER HOW AWFUL IT MAY BE, BUT YOU ARE EXACTLY WHERE YOU NEED TO BE. 

TO BE FRANK, THERE IS NO QUICK SOLUTION TO FIX ANY OF THIS. LIFE IS A PROCESS. HOWEVER, THERE ARE VERY TANGIBLE TOOLS AND EXERCISES YOU MAY BEGIN TO DEVELOP AND INCORPORATE INTO YOUR DAILY PRACTICE TO TUNE YOUR INSTRUMENT (YOUR BODY AND MIND) TO THE SOUND OF YOUR HEART AND WILL. IT WILL MOST CERTAINLY BE PAINFUL. YOU WILL EXPERIENCE SUFFERING AND GRIEF LIKE YOU HAVE NEVER BEFORE IMAGINED POSSIBLE. BUT THROUGH THAT EXPERIENCE AND THE SHEDDING OF THESE FALSE SKINS AND THE VEILS OF PERCEPTION CLOUDING YOUR TRUTH YOU WILL EXPERIENCE THE GREATEST HIGHS OF TOTAL LOVE AND PEACE YOU COULD POSSIBLY DREAM OF. 

HERE ARE SOME SIMPLE YET PROFOUND TOOLS FOR LETTING GO: 

-MEDITATE! START WITH FIVE MINUTES A DAY. YOU WILL ENJOY THE PEACE IF YOU CAN GIVE IT TO YOURSELF. I KNOW IT CAN BE CHALLENGING, BUT MEDITATION PUTS YOU IN TOUCH WITH YOUR HIGHER SELF, WHICH WILL IN TURN HELP YOU FIND THE ANSWERS YOU SEEK. HEAD OVER TO THE WELLNESS SECTION OF MY WEBSITE FOR TIPS TO GET YOU STARTED.  

-PRAY! SPEAK WHATEVER IT IS IN YOUR HEART TO THE GOD OF YOUR CHOOSING OR THE UNIVERSE OR WHATEVER HIGHER POWER YOU IDENTIFY MOST WITH. LET YOUR HEART POUR OUT INTO THE COSMOS. EVERYTHING WE SEE, FEEL, THINK, AND SPEAK ARE VIBRATIONS. THESE VIBRATIONS EMANATE OUT FROM OUR BEING INTO THE UNIVERSE AND THE UNIVERSE AROUND US RESPONDS TO THESE VIBRATIONS. THIS IS ONE OF THE NATURAL LAWS OF THE UNIVERSE. I ENCOURAGE YOU TO GIVE IT A TRY.

-MOVE! MOVE YOUR BODY. GET YOUR BLOOD FLOWING. GIVE YOUR BODY THE OPPORTUNITY TO CREATE HAPPY CHEMICALS THROUGH MOVEMENT, EVEN IF IT IS JUST GOING FOR A WALK. IF YOU’RE HAVING DIFFICULTY GETTING YOUR MIND OUT OF A RUT, START BY GETTING YOUR BODY INTO MOTION, THE BENEFITS ARE WONDERFUL. AND REMEMBER, EVERYTHING IS CONNECTED, WHEN YOU LIBERATE YOUR BODY YOU WILL LIBERATE YOUR MIND. WHEN YOUR BODY AND MIND ARE SET FREE YOU WILL BEGIN TO SET YOUR SPIRIT FREE. 

I HAVE FOUND THESE THREE ACTIONS ABOVE TO BE KEY ELEMENTS IN FINDING MY WAY TO TOTAL WELLBEING. IT IS NOT ALWAYS EASY; IT IS A PROCESS, AND YOU DON’T HAVE TO BE PERFECT. ALLOW YOURSELF THE OPPORTUNITY TO GROW AND GET ACQUAINTED WITH YOUR TRUEST SELF. KEEP IN MIND, FEELINGS AND EMOTIONS ARE GIFTS. THEY ARE OUR DIRECT CONNECTION TO THE SOURCE OF ALL THINGS. THE FEELINGS AND EMOTIONS WE ALL EXPERIENCE EVERYDAY ARE THE GUIDES ALONG THE PATH TO WELLNESS, IT IS JUST A MATTER OF GIVING OURSELVES THE OPPORTUNITY TO EMBRACE THEM AND GROW.